ouch. well uh. there goes my whole toenail. be careful when picking up furniture, guys. #dontdropitonyourtoe
â€” Rebecca Black (@MsRebeccaBlack) March 2, 2012
Just fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans for the 1st time. If you ignore my muffin top that hangs over the waist band, I look damn good! 🙂
â€” Alyssa Milano (@Alyssa_Milano) March 2, 2012
Yo Mama’s so fat, she’s at high risk for contracting Type 2 Diabetes! It’s funny because for 10 million Americans it’s true. Still got it!
â€” Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) March 2, 2012
Just had the best laugh with @ScottDisick …..tears!
â€” Jonathan Cheban (@JonathanCheban) March 2, 2012
If I was a Sergeant Major, I’dlet brutal farts and then go, “Permission to vomit.”
â€” Gavin McInnes (@Gavin_McInnes) March 2, 2012
Dopest Part About The Gym Today Was Seeing That Sickk Commercial For The Pauly D Project Flash On The Treadmill Screen !!!! @MTV
â€” DJ Pauly D (@DJPaulyD) March 2, 2012
@GeorgeMichael The more you ignore me the closer I get!
â€” boygeorge (@BoyGeorge) March 2, 2012
Ok I’ve never felt so white in my life!!!!’ arrrgh!!! My zumba-ing is not yet post worthy!!!! Give me some time and thanks for the tips!!!
â€” Katie Couric (@katiecouric) March 2, 2012
“well jenelle u look like death today” thanks mom :/
â€” jenelle evans (@PBandJenelley_1) March 2, 2012
Headed back to hotel..thx for all the love on radio this morning az..and I still haven’t seen any hotties..?! What’s up..man.?
â€” Pauly Shore (@PaulyShore) March 2, 2012
Why does my mom look perfect in the morning and I look like a dragon?
â€” Ireland (@IrelandBBaldwin) March 2, 2012
We are turning 3 years old today! Thanks to everyone who puts this show together and thank you for watching us. Springsteen! #LateNight
â€” jimmy fallon (@jimmyfallon) March 2, 2012
Canadians watch US politics like Americans watch Jersey Shore.
â€” kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) March 2, 2012
Whaaaaaa??? Cupcake vending machines courtesy of sprinkles? Yowsas
â€” whitney port (@whitneyEVEport) March 2, 2012
Yes!! Big Bang Theory next week. LLAP
â€” Leonard Nimoy (@TheRealNimoy) March 2, 2012
I’m wearing a nautical shirt and Seven wide leg jeans with patent heels. What are you wearing?
â€” Kelly K. Bensimon (@kellybensimon) March 2, 2012
What were they thinking when they named it ‘Uranus’?What kind of a sick, adolescent joke is that?Why not Planet Dicksuck?!
â€” RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) March 2, 2012
I love watching people get off the plane. You can always tell there’s a “celeb” when they’re the only one wearing sunglasses.
â€” Candace Cameron Bure (@candacecbure) March 2, 2012
Idle thought: we got a lot madder at Kathie Lee and the Kardashians re those sweat-shop stories than we did at the late Mr. Jobs.
â€” Michael McKean (@MJMcKean) March 2, 2012
Don’t make me hard. You won’t like me when I’m hard. #PornHulk
â€” Glenn Howerton (@Glenn_Howerton) March 2, 2012
The day my hands won’t do “jazz-hands” is the day my life is over.
â€” Kristin Chenoweth (@KChenoweth) March 2, 2012
The bit where Creed hits Meredith on the head,screams,and run on The Office made me spit my water I laughed so hard. Bravo mindy
â€” christina applegate (@1capplegate) March 2, 2012
Why do all my longterm fantasies involve posing on a windy beach for the cover of AARP magazine? It feel bad to admit.
â€” Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) March 2, 2012
Best thing about not working at a restaurant is that sign in the bathroom about washing your hands doesn’t apply to you.
â€” Andy Borowitz (@BorowitzReport) March 2, 2012
The Democratic War on Women: Turn contraception over the the DMV.
â€” Ann Coulter (@AnnCoulter) March 2, 2012
Hi polish sexy-girl fans. Whoop whoop.
â€” josh groban (@joshgroban) March 2, 2012
I would gladly trade all my fame and fortune for even more fame and fortune.
â€” Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) March 2, 2012
I want Ben The Bachelor to pick Courtney purely because she’s the only one that will make him fix his hair
â€” Emma Roberts (@RobertsEmma) March 2, 2012
I’ll hold in a fart at your funeral, that’s the kind of friend I am.
â€” Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) March 2, 2012
Nothing says love like, “I’m busy this weekend but I’ll call you Monday.”
â€” Dane Cook (@danecook) March 2, 2012
When I see an NYC woman running in high stilettos, I worry about her metatarsophalangeal joint health.Looks hot, though.
â€” Cheyenne Jackson (@cheyennejackson) March 2, 2012
So, IRS is auditing my cheeseburger intake. They claim that even though I get my cheeseburgers plain, I dip them in ketchup w/o claiming it.
â€” Nick Thune (@nickthune) March 2, 2012
Remember when we didn’t know what garlic aioli was?
â€” Dan Cronin (@croninwhocares) March 2, 2012
Woman on street: “Thank you for everything you have done for girls and women.” My daughter: “Clearly she thought you were someone else.”
â€” Jane Pratt (@JanePratt) March 2, 2012
It’s Frisky Friday & the start of a cool weekend.
â€” Hugh Hefner (@hughhefner) March 2, 2012
Hello friends, family, and fans. This is my official account I finally found the time to join twitter.
â€” Brett Favre(@BrettFavre4) March 2, 2012