We women are prone to tell white lies. This is a fact that cannot be denied — even though we’ll definitely try to. As much as any one of us wants to be “The Cool Girl” or “The Together Girl,” there will always be certain truths from which we will abscond.
It doesn’t make us truly dishonest individuals, it just merely helps us to reflect a certain version of ourselves we’d like others to see (and not judge). As much as we claim not to give a f*ck about what people think of us, most of us secretly do — even if it’s just a little bit.
Sometimes it’s easier to stretch the truth (see: downright lie) about certain things than it is to admit that we have flaws, control issues and trouble keeping track of our personal budgets.
None of us ladies wants to admit we took an entire Papa John’s cheese pizza to the face nor do we want to own up to the fact that we spent $300 on a pair of strappy sandals that we’ll wear twice and throw into the back of our overstuffed closets. We’d rather just gloss over what really happened.
These plentiful lies are very often of the numeric variety. There always have been and always will be numbers that women lie about.
Even if you don’t find yourself guilty of every single one of these, if you claim none apply, you’re a f*cking liar (get it — see, you can’t win, girl). Just embrace it. It’s part of being a woman.
These are all of the numbers that women will always, without a doubt, without a moment’s hesitation, lie about.
37. The amount of money you spent on those shoes.
They were on sale.
36. How much you spent on hair and makeup.
Oh me? I woke up like this.
35. How long you spent at the gym.
I mean, if you went at all because you lie about that, too.
34. The amount of time you wait before responding to a text.
You were so busy you didn’t even notice he texted you. You have better things to do than sit around and think about a guy.
33. Your size.
What’s cutting it down from a 4 to a 1 for posterity?
32. The number of times you masturbated to one (or both, whatever) of the Hemsworth brothers.
Who cares about the haters, you know Liam totally got robbed for “Sexiest Man Alive.”
31. The number of times you ordered Seamless last Saturday.
You’re a grown woman, so you grocery shop…
30. The number of $1 slices you had last night.
You had the whole pie, but if anyone asks… you only ate the cheese off one slice.
29. How many pics of Kim Kardashian you looked at last night.
…And how many times you wished you had her booty.
28. The amount of time you take to get ready.
Your girlfriends know that “almost there” text means you’re still watching “Friends” in bed, avoiding the shower.
27. Your weight.
You’re just rounding down from 130 to 110. It’s perfectly reasonable. That cop that pulled you over for speeding totally believed you.
26. How many cigs you smoked last night.
You don’t even buy them anymore, OK?!
25. The amount of calories you had today.
It’s a constant game of “Who Ate Less” with your girlfriends.
24. How many times you drunk texted your ex.
If you deleted all of them and don’t remember what you said, did it really happen?
23. The number of months of your dry spell.
Sometimes it’s more and sometimes it’s less, depending on who’s asking:
“I haven’t even slept with anyone in a year.” You say to your new boyfriend.
“I totally took that cute guy home two weeks ago, so stop hating on me.” You tell your BFF.
22. Your age.
A lady never tells.
21. The amount of times you went to the bathroom in your BF’s apartment.
He pretended not to notice.
20. Your height.
Shorter for the short guys, taller for the tall guys. If he doesn’t have a measuring tape, he isn’t going to know after all.
19. The number of times you re-wore a pair of socks.
I only wore them the one time and I totes did my laundry because I do my laundry every week… do you believe this web of lies I am spinning?
18. The number of glasses of wine you had.
One glass, one bottle. Potato, potato.
17. Your number of sexual partners.
It’s kind of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation and you’re sticking with it. And if you have to tell, it’s staying on one hand. (LOL.)
16. The amount of episodes of “Gilmore Girls” you watched this weekend.
You had to find out what happened, but no one needs to know you don’t have friends.
15. The number of times you promised to stop drinking.
Wine doesn’t count because it’s fruit. #FACTSONLY
14. The height of your heels.
“My heels are, like, 7 inches.” *Of course, the heels are actually 4 inches.
13. The number of times you said your diet starts tomorrow.
You go the gym all the time, right? Yeah, like, every day. *shrugs*
12. Your phone number.
You just happen to change that number on the end for that creeper at the bar.
11. The number of blocks of cheese you ate in one sitting.
But isn’t a log of moz considered one block, technically?
10. How many friends you actually like.
Read: You hate them all, but, without them, you wouldn’t have anyone to go out with.
9. The MGs of Adderall you just took.
That’s for you and your conscience only.
8. The amount of cigs you have left.
Even if someone offers to give you a dollar, you somehow always just smoked the last one.
7. The number of shots you took.
It was all downhill after that third drink.
6. Your height in heels.
You obviously break 6 feet because you wear really, really high heels. You’re like model tall.
5. The amount of times you’ve quit and started your bad habits.
Just like a diet, you’ll start your cleanse tomorrow.
4. How many times you’ve actually orgasmed.
Como se dice, “Only on my own with my vibrator”?
3. How many selfies you took before you got the perfect one.
2. The number of ketchups you stuffed in your clutch at McDonald’s.
It ain’t stealing if it’s free, ya dig?
1. Your European size.
There isn’t that much of a difference between a 28 and a 26.